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A spy shot of the new Speed Watch mobile camera.

The police in Surrey have asked me to help them recruit some more volunteers for the local Speed Watch system.

They are looking for anyone with a pulse, preferably regular, who is able to stand, sit, or lie by the roadside and point a speed camera towards the sound of an approaching car. Persons who twitch or oscillate are particularly welcome as speed readings are consequently exaggerated.

Eyesight is not essential as the camera-operator will be provided with an assistant to more or less read the number plates. A second assistant will write down the registration approximated by the first, and a third assistant will hold the camera still while a fourth reads the recorded speed. A fifth assistant will make conversation, whilst a sixth will wave at drivers in order to distract them. Age or sex is of no consequence unless it occurs on duty.

In certain areas, the police are experimenting with mobile Speed Watch cameras. These will be towed slowly along the pavement edge.

Applications should be made to Surrey Police on 01483 539999. When you call, please mention my name: Massimo Pini Graham Whyte.