Danger signs

I have certain motoring rules, which I advise you all to follow.

1) Never trust any driver wearing a hat; they are about to crash. It doesn’t matter what sort of hat – baseball cap, flat cap, or fluffy blue thing with a brim, the same rule applies. If you see a tell-tale silhouette in the car ahead - back off.

2) Never have anything to do with someone who gives their car a name. They are a potential serial killer.

3) Never get close to someone who has a personalised number plate. They are already a serial killer.

There are never any exceptions to these rules.