For sale: 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf. Only 15 km. Only first gear and reverse used. Never driven hard. Original tyres. Original brakes. Original fuel and oil. Only 1 driver. I am selling it because I want to buy a car with better fuel consumption. Please see photo.

I tend to stick with familiar names when it comes to car rental as I, like many people, expect to receive a certain standard of service by doing so. In late August, I holidayed in Northern Italy with my wife and 2 year-old daughter, booking a Focus-sized car for the two-week stay with Hertz.

Hertz sent me an email customer satisfaction survey upon my return. See below my feedback, to which I have received no response:

Firstly, the selection of cars was very limited. I was initially offered a smaller car than that I’d booked but I refused it. Eventually I was offered a slightly larger car than I wanted. It had a big dent in the back but I accepted it as there seemed little alternative. The car had no user handbook in the glovebox which made it impossible to locate the bonnet release to top up the washer fluid which was empty. The office was closed when I returned the vehicle so I was unable to discuss this with the Hertz staff.

The worst thing though, was the dismal selection of child seats on offer. They were all grubby and dirty and most were actually damaged. I tried 3 before I found one that was barely acceptable. The Hertz representative, although very polite and friendly, explained that he didn’t know how to install the seat as he never had any children of his own!!! I was astonished by the comment. It seems to suggest that Hertz’s attitude to the safety of its customers is lax, to say the least. Very disappointing indeed. Am considering asking for compensation for the additional cost of the child seat since the service was so poor.

I’d really like to hear from anyone else who’s had similar problems where it comes to the rental of child seats.

Apparently the six-word novel is all the rage. A development of Japanese Haiku poetry, the six-word novel is presently thought to represent the height of literary genius.

But the genre is not new. Hemingway once wrote a truly poignant six-worder: ‘For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn’ and described it as his best work.

Not to be outdone, I have written some six-word motoring novels.

Man buys new Scirroco. Divorce ensues.

Rich divorcee crashes new Ferrari. Result.

Diplomat speeds. Child dies. What diplomat? (True story)

Demand biofuel. Africa starves. Climate unchanged.

Spotted GATSO. Missed van. Another SP30.

Diesel drowned. Assasination? Smoke, no spark.

Please feel free to recommend any of these for a Booker prize, or have a go yourself. Best entry wins a jar of torque.

Someone has just sent me a press release that lists the nation’s ‘favourite’ classical music tracks, according to the Performing Rights Society.

I don’t propose to tell you what those tracks are, but it did set me thinking. What piece of music would I want to listen to if I was stuck in a five-mile tailback on the M25? I know such a thing is hard to imagine, but pretend it could happen.

Without a doubt, I would play Handel’s aria ‘Ombra mai fu’, preferably sung by the soprano Jennifer Johnston, whose voice is to opera what Charlotte Green’s is to the shipping forecast. Not only would I forget all about the traffic jam, I wouldn’t be tempted to while away the time on my mobile: it’s hard to talk with a lump in your throat.

I couldn’t find a Jennifer Johnston recording, but here is Jennifer Lamore singing the same piece, bizarrely in a scrap yard. Enjoy.

What would be your queue music?

I see that in a recent ‘survey’ by an insurance company, the Snake Pass has been voted Britain’s best road. That must be by the locals. I doubt that more than 5 per cent of the population could point to the Snake Pass on a map, let alone find it. Satellite navigation has taken the place of good, old-fashioned geography and nowadays most people arrive at their destination without knowing how they got there.

If the Yanks ever switch off their satellites, the population of that tribe of short people who live in long grass will swell by millions, overnight.

Anyway, back to the Snake Pass. Provided you know how to overtake, to experience the Snake it at its best, drive westwards, although that has the disadvantage of depositing you in Glossop, which is as wrist-slashingly dreary as it sounds. By way of compensation, God created West Sussex, where you will find some of the most picturesque roads in the whole of Britain, especially those that run along the foot of, and over, the South Downs.