Jaguar workers prepare to move the Brown's Lane factory to India

As the American auto industry stumbles from one crisis to another, Ford is pinning its hopes on selling its crown jewels. Having already disposed of Aston Martin, Ford is about to enter preliminary negotiations with a would-be buyer for Land Rover and Jaguar.

The wannabee luxury car maker is India’s Tata, the company responsible for building Rover’s ill-fated City Rover, the domestic version of which was once described by a local commentator as “…a good car to do suicide in.”

And if Tata’s bid fails, then waiting in the wings is Mahindra & Mahindra, India’s largest utility vehicle producer. Either way, Ford’s future is full of eastern promise.

Many months ago, I was asked to write a one-off piece for a specialist motoring magazine (print, not online). I did so, the article was published, and I duly submitted my invoice. This morning, I made the latest in a series of 12 phone calls (to date) to chase up payment. It has been outstanding for 16 weeks. Eventually, I reach Annabella-from-accounts, who is the person responsible for actually sending out the cheques.
Annabella told me in a very prim voice that my cheque was printed two weeks ago but it hasn’t yet been posted. “It’s still here, with my money jar,” says Annabella.
This really threw me. “So when will you send it to me?”
“Well, I can’t send it till it’s been released by my money jar, can I?” I had an image of the proverbial monkey with its hand in a jar, clutching a nut and trapped for ever.
“So, Annabella, when do you think your money jar might… er… release the cheque?” (Is your hand sore?)
“I don’t know. It’s up to my money jar.” And, bless her, she rang off.
It’s only now, several hours later, that I’ve worked out what Annabella was on about. I called back but Annabella’s gone on holiday for two weeks. I asked to speak directly to her Manni-Jah but they wouldn’t put me through. Sigh.

Our area is under siege from energy companies wanting to put up wind turbines to help counter (they say) global warming. I’ve done some research and discovered that many experts now believe that wind ‘farms’, as they are euphemistically called, will actually increase global CO2 emissions. The energy companies gloss over the conventional power stations which must be built to support the erratic delivery of wind; not to mention the CO2 produced in the construction of these 410ft-high industrial monsters, the thousands of tons of concrete required, and so on. 

The truth is that the energy companies don’t give a toss about the environment; they are interested only in the fat profits to be gained from government subsidies at taxpayers’ expense. Gesture politics of the worst kind.

So when the promotional video of the latest premium, high-performance hybrid car showed images of wind turbines to illustrate its green credentials, I was annoyed. I asked whether the engineers had calculated the environmental impact of producing such highly complex hybrid engines before claiming a victory for ecology, and they said ‘yes’. But details were not forthcoming. 

I think I’d prefer to see an unapologetic V12 petrol-powered supercar than a blatantly hypocritical attempt to appear ‘green’ while still puffing out 219g/km of CO2.

Does Diamond car insurance really think journalists are open to bribes? They’ve just sent me a chunky 75g chocolate bar, stamped with the words “Diamond – it’s not for boys” on the wrapper. I suppose they’re hoping I’ll publicise the fact that Diamond pioneered women-only car insurance. The chocolate is Belgian and Diamond can be contacted via their website, www.diamond.co.uk, or on 0800 36 24 36. Charis Whitcombe can be contacted at the usual address. (The letterbox is quite large, so bulky packages are not a problem.)

“36 24 36” indeed – who are they kidding?

If Orange is a broadband provider, this is an orange.

I am sitting in a car outside my brother’s house. He has wireless broadband and by devious means I have acquired the access code. I am, at this moment, stealing his broadband connection to upload a blog.

My own broadband is up the spout – which is why I have been uncharacteristically quiet on the blog front recently. Orange, my broadband “provider”, is apparently unable to fix the problem. My impotent rage and the hours of telephone calls to Orange has left me exhausted. 

To add insult to injury, I’ve just rung my esteemed Editor, Massimo Pini, to explain the problem. He seems to find the idea of my writing a blog from a car parked furtively outside my brother’s house quite comical. “I like blogging in my car,” he sang, with evident amusement. “It’s not quite a Jag-u-ar.”

I couldn’t tell him what I thought of his hilarity, as I want to keep my job.

I hear there's a job going in the window at Bhs

According to industry experts, crash-test dummies will eventually become a thing of the past as auto manufacturers increasingly turn to computer-generated crashes to obtain the data they need.

Crash-test dummies cost up to £50,000 each, so the move to computers should save a bob or two. Indeed, no expensive software will be necessary, just a modest investment in Vista, because, if my partner’s laptop is anything to go by, it will crash of its own accord with monotonous frequency.

I use a Mac by the way, and wonder if anyone can tell me why the f16 key always gets dirty? My fingers never go anywhere near it but nonetheless it gets just as grimy as the return key.