The OCD model comes with hygienic wipes and an array of small soaps

I found myself stuck in an airport hotel room the other week, watching daytime TV. On offer was an American cop series based on, of all things, an obsessive-compulsive detective.

Talk about scraping the bottom of the genre barrel. Since the 1970s we’ve had every conceivable variation on the theme: fat detective, dirty detective, racial minority detective, sexy female detective, detective-in-a-wheelchair and alcoholic detective. What’s left? Gluten-allergy detective?

Now I hear that Ford has been given an award for its cars, not on the basis of performance or economy or styling or low carbon footprint – but for their ‘allergy-friendly’ interiors. Before you get all uppity and tell me that, for allergy sufferers, this is mould-breaking stuff, let me point out that I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but I don’t see anyone designing cars with hand-washing facilities and little objects to count, adjust and straighten. And what about cars for fat people? Or dirty people? Or alcoholics?

A Bugatti Veyron

That recent news item – about the Mafia-run factory in Sicily building fake Ferraris – made me laugh. Surely a potential buyer would hear the difference between an American V4 and a full-blooded Ferrari V8? Even the Police said the fakes were easily spotted because they have ‘narrower chassis and thinner wheels’.

There was a fake 250 GTO which used to come to Italian classic car events – the last place on earth the ill-advised owner should have shown his face. A collective shudder would go up from the other participants when the car tippy-toed, all tall and deformed, into the display area. People would look away, embarrassed. Except for one chap next to me who muttered, “What a terrible waste of a perfectly good Datsun 240Z.”

A spy shot of the new Speed Watch mobile camera.

The police in Surrey have asked me to help them recruit some more volunteers for the local Speed Watch system.

They are looking for anyone with a pulse, preferably regular, who is able to stand, sit, or lie by the roadside and point a speed camera towards the sound of an approaching car. Persons who twitch or oscillate are particularly welcome as speed readings are consequently exaggerated.

Eyesight is not essential as the camera-operator will be provided with an assistant to more or less read the number plates. A second assistant will write down the registration approximated by the first, and a third assistant will hold the camera still while a fourth reads the recorded speed. A fifth assistant will make conversation, whilst a sixth will wave at drivers in order to distract them. Age or sex is of no consequence unless it occurs on duty.

In certain areas, the police are experimenting with mobile Speed Watch cameras. These will be towed slowly along the pavement edge.

Applications should be made to Surrey Police on 01483 539999. When you call, please mention my name: Massimo Pini Graham Whyte.

Why, oh why, oh WHY did Alfa Romeo gives its gorgeous new sporty supermini such a silly name? First, it was going to be the Alfa Junior, which is bland but inoffensive. Then they decided they didn’t like it, so they held an online poll, asking Alfisti to choose between a list of names which Alfa had come up with. And ‘Furiosa’ won.

But Alfa decided they didn’t like that, either (so why hold a poll?) and called the new car the Mi.To – a name which wasn’t even on the list. And if it had been, it certainly wouldn’t have won. I mean, nobody’s going to vote for My.Toe, are they (which is certainly how all the British punters are going to pronounce it)? Is this toe thing some sort of April Fool’s joke? Sadly, it seems not.

New Lancia Delta is UK-bound at last

It was way back in 2002 when we began our campaign to get Lancia back into the UK after what was already a lengthy absence of some 8 or 9 years.

Our campaign took the form of a website quite simply titled Bring Back Lancia, and it celebrated the illustrious history of the great Italian marque that had brought us a series of automotive masterpieces over the years such as the Lambda, the Stratos and, of course, the Delta Integrale.

The website was a labour of love for our design team and included some excellent and engaging content including a Lancia Trumps game featuring historical models and a fun Quiz which sorts out the true cognoscenti from the boys.

Graham Whyte wrote a history of the marque while I put my energy into researching the brand’s then current line-up and key concept cars to try to tap into where its future lay.

A return to right-hand drive markets seemed a logical decision, given that Lancia bosses were forecasting massive increases in volumes over the next 5-10 years, but many poo-pooed our suggestion as folly.

In May 2004, Richard Gadeselli, Chairman and CEO of Fiat UK, very politely told me by email “I can confirm that there are no plans whatsoever to manufacture Lancia vehicles in right hand drive format.”

Was he towing the corporate line? Probably. But no matter - what’s important is that Lancia is coming back to the UK with their new Delta and hopefully it will be good enough to convince buyers so that the marque can lay solid foundations for a prosperous future.

Take a look at the BBL website if you have 5 minutes. It’s a bit of a time capsule as it’s never been updated but a few positive comments could push it up the agenda…

It was the loss of the sensuous styling and sheer good taste of the 1950s and ’60s that fuelled the rise of the classic car movement; but don’t get too misty-eyed.

Here is an advert from Motor magazine, 50 years ago, for the Styla “Western” Spotlight.

Yes, it’s a gun with a bulb instead of a barrel. The advertisement asks: “Are you one of those car owners who like their accessories to have that touch of individuality?”

Indeed, what an individual addition it would make to your Mercedes Gullwing or Ferrari 250 GTO.

Aside from the peanut shaped headlights - Aygo by BYD

One of the less glamorous stands at the recent Geneva Show belonged to the Chinese manufacturer, BYD, which stands for Build Your Dreams.

It would appear that BYD is convinced that car buyers are dreaming of Toyota Aygos since the small silver ‘F1′ city car tucked away at the back of its stand bore quite a striking resemblance to the Japanese original.

What do you think?

What's wrong with an orange car?

I gather from recently published statistics that blue is now the UK’s most popular car colour, having nudged silver into second place. But together, these two colours account for almost 50 per cent of the cars on Britain’s roads, and four times the number of red cars, which nonetheless occupy third place in the colour league-table.

What I find sad is the fact that bright, solid, ‘Smartie’ colours account for so few cars. Yellow and orange cars, for example, together make up less than one per cent of the total. Green fares a little better, which I find odd, as a lot of people think of green cars as being ‘unlucky’. (This seems to stem from pre-war days, long before Armco barriers - when green cars that ran off the road could remain in the undergrowth for days, without being spotted.)

Mauve and purple are, nowadays, almost non-existent. That is a good thing. As the light fades in the open country, the landscape turns purple – as all painters know – and any car of a similar colour disappears into the background, which is why I have always described such colours as ‘deadly night shade’.

I have never understood why people buy silver or dull-coloured cars – mine are anything but – so perhaps a reader could explain to me the attraction of these particular shades.