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| Modus Tinnitus: instant irritation at the press of a button |
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A car can be almost perfect, and then some miserable journalist spends a big chunk of his (and it usually is ‘his’) review criticising some tiny detail. Such as the lack of a footrest in the Fiat Stilo. Or the ‘vibrating’ seatbelt when the window is open on the Chevrolet Matiz. I once read a lengthy rant about a ‘bogey’ smeared on the inside of a rev-counter’s transparent cover. Honestly.
Well, here’s mine. I’ve been driving the Renault Modus, an excellent small MPV with all sorts of commendable features but it gives me tinnitus. Or so I thought, till I worked out that the faint, high-pitched ringing is coming from the heater fan. Is it just this car, I wonder, or a standard feature on every Modus? Maybe it’s a selling point of the Modus Tinnitus limited-edition model. I don’t know but it’s spoiling my enjoyment of an otherwise desirable car. Still, at least there’s no bogey.
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| If your car runs on petrol, be sure not to fill it up with Ackroyd Stuart by mistake |
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An alert reader recently pointed out my error in claiming that Fiat was the first to develop commonrail diesel engines. In about 1918, apparently, Doxfords – a British shipbuilder based in Sunderland – developed the Doxford two-stroke marine diesel engine and yes, it operated on a commonrail system.
I can only apologise – but what does the reader mean by ‘diesel’ engines? Rudolph Diesel didn’t patent his version of the technology till 1892 and, at the time, Rudolph favoured coal dust as fuel. However, Herbert Ackroyd Stuart had already invented the compression ignition oil-burning engine, in England, two years before.
But I accept the point that Fiat was not the first to use commonrail technology in its Ackroyd Stuart engines.
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| Another Swedish design classic |
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While I’m having a go at the Swedes (see last blog), I’d like to return to my rant about the nasty Ikea-esque plywood centre stack on the refreshed Volvo S40. It was (they tell us) inspired by that ‘Swedish design classic’, the plywood chair. That’s the hideous plywood chair you’d typically find languishing in the bargain basement of Ikea, near the check-out.
I’d like to pretend I’ve never stooped to buying an Ikea bargain myself, but that would be a lie. I bought a lamp there, for about £15, took it home and assembled it. It was very straightforward except for the warning about how NOT to assemble it. Presumably it would be dangerous to do it that way; but I couldn’t for the life of me see what I wasn’t supposed to do. There was a black-and-white drawing of the misassembled lamp and above it – in the sort of bold typeface which suggests your life is at risk – the word NOT.
There was really only a stand, a bulb and a plug: there aren’t many ways to get it wrong. I showed the diagram to several friends, and none of them could see the lurking danger of which Ikea was warning me. It was about a week before I realised that the lamp was called a NOT. Of all the stupid, irritating, idiotic…
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Saab has issued a press release to tell us that people don’t understand green issues. It says, “consumers are unaware that biofuel cars such as the Saab BioPower, which runs on bioethanol E85, can reduce fossil fuel emissions by up to 70%”.
Eh? If you’re not using fossil fuels, of course you’re going to reduce ‘fossil fuel emissions’. E85 has a splash of petrol in it, but let’s imagine you were running your car on pure bioethanol, derived from wheat. You could then claim you had “reduced fossil fuel emissions by 100%” – hurrah – while ignoring any wheat fuel emissions. And that would be the case even if the wheat fuel were, in fact, emitting 10 times the CO2 (and other greenhouse gases) of normal petrol.
I am not saying this is the case. I am merely saying that Saab should be a little less smug about claiming that “36% of respondents don’t know anything about Biofuel technology” and then writing a load of balls which suggests that neither do they.
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A colleague was stopped by the Police last week – “a random tyre check, sir” – when he was driving a borrowed car. The tyres were fine but when asked for his insurance details, it transpired that he’s not covered to drive other people’s cars. Apparently, more and more insurers are withdrawing this third-party cover and not bothering to make it clear to the customer. “Not a lot of people know about it yet, sir,” said the weary policeman. “We have this problem a lot.”
I’ve checked my own policy and it says that “the Policy Holder is insured whilst driving any motor car not belonging to him and not hired to him… (blah, blah)”. I assume him covers her? It’s the usual thing.
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I was chatting to a friend about the estimate on his car’s restoration… never mind the initial figure (an eye-watering 20k, as it happens), you just KNOW that the final bill is going to be about three times as much. Because it always is. And it was.
Why do garages never, ever, come in under (or even bang-on) estimate? My brother decided that he loves his Alfa 156 Sportwagon so much that he’d have the oil-guzzling engine reconditioned, instead of buying a new car. He also thought that recycling his car in this way was the most environmentally friendly thing to do. Garage estimate: £600-800. Actual cost: £2300. Multiplied by three, again.
Why? What unexpected circumstances cropped up? Alien landings? A warp in the space-time continuum? No, nothing. Let’s face it, Mr Garage Owner, it was just a really bad estimate, wasn’t it? Shouldn’t garages pay for their lack of expertise (or worse) when it comes to estimating so very, very badly? Why are we, the customers, always the ones to make up the shortfall when their estimates are so wide of the mark?
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“Now is the time to start lobbying your MP and inviting him or her to pick up your children after school,” is the opening line of a press release from GEM Motoring Assist (formerly the Guild of Experienced Motorists).
Switching to a completely separate news story, I note that a senior aide to MPs at the House of Commons was recently jailed for having child porn on his computer.
Jumping back to the first story, however, GEM Motoring Assist suggests that your MP should be asked to pick up your kids from school in November, when the “darker, murky afternoons have set in”. This will help your MP to realise that putting the clocks back each autumn is “endangering life and limb of our younger population.” GEM doesn’t, however, see any risks in letting a stranger pick up your children from school on a dark, murky afternoon.
It goes without saying that all MPs are entirely good, honest people on account of their profession. They’re politicians, after all, and so naturally we trust each and every one of them. Even the recently jailed child pornographer was said to be “a highly respected member of the civil staff who was implicitly trusted by colleagues and MPs.” So that’s all right then.
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| It's the left wing that fell off... |
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I was at Donington Park at the weekend, for the VSCC’s SeeRed historic race meeting.
Fabulous meeting, but what’s happened to the full-size, glassfibre Spitfire which sits high up on the Donington infield? With one wing hanging off and a broken tail, it’s a national embarrassment.
In fact, it’s more than an embarrassment. If someone like me, who was born more than 20 years after WWII ended, can be offended by the sight of those broken remnants hanging on a pole, how must it seem to veterans? Poignantly, Saturday was Battle of Britain Day – hence a real Spitfire (with both wings still stuck on) flew over the circuit.
Why doesn’t the new management, which recently took over the circuit on a 150-year lease, repair the glassfibre Spitfire? Or if they really can’t be bothered, will they please show some mercy and take down the broken, uncared-for, dismembered remains and give them a decent burial.
On a more cheerful note, I heard one competitor mutter, “Thank goodness the circuit’s on a 150-year lease. I’ve just seen my lap-times…”
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One of my motor racing buddies reckons that the most dangerous form of motorsport is economy driving. “You crawl uphill, belt downhill, and hurtle through villages without slowing for roundabouts and junctions.”
Remembering the last petrol shortage and the antics of local drivers (myself included), I can only agree with him. Drive and Survive, a company which offers advanced driver training, says that drivers who’ve been through their driver training programme improve their mpg by around 22%. Twenty-two per cent? I can do a lot better than that, mate. I reckon I up my mpg by around 100% when I’m seriously worried I’ll run out of juice. Perhaps it would be more environmentally friendly to have long straight roads and no speed bumps.
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Last week I had a ride in the back seat of the new Fiat 500. Now, I agree with all the good things that are being said about the car: it’s a fabulous new creation from the company that has historically made THE best small cars, and it looks truly gorgeous, inside and out. But I have to tell you – after 20 minutes in the cramped back seat, I was desperate to get out. We bumped like a wheelbarrow over every pothole, accompanied by deafening boomy road noise, until my ears hurt and I felt sick. Fab car, crap ride, unbearable booming in the back seat.
Please, please, please can retro cars at least have the option of skinny, high-profile, retro tyres? Skinny old tyres would also give better mpg. And be safer in snow. And be more fun to drive (what’s the point of massive grip on the public road?). And be cheaper to replace. And so on.
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