As a child, I was regularly warned to keep away from swans, because “they can break your arm”. Friends tell me they were given the same instructions. Why, then, aren’t the riverbanks littered with less cautious children, wailing and clutching their shattered limbs? It’s a lie, isn’t it?

Having your arm broken by a swan is, I reckon, about as likely as blowing up a petrol station by talking on your mobile phone. On an average day, how many mushroom clouds of black smoke do you see in the distance, as yet another Shell station explodes? Fewer than ten, I bet.

We should have asked Grandad if we could borrow his Ferrari...

Kia Motors has sent out a press release announcing a new baby in its range. “Smaller than the Picanto, the latest Kia, launched on Sunday, weighs just 6lb 7oz and comes only in pink.”

Turns out that an expectant mum went into labour rather rapidly, and gave birth in the back of Granny’s Kia Carens. The proud parents decided to name their new baby after the car… and called her Kia. So delighted was Kia (the car-maker, not the bouncing bundle) with the choice of name, that they’ve given the parents a top-of-the-range seven-seat 2.0 CRDi Carens free, gratis and for nothing.

It’s a charming story, but it does suggest two things. One, the new parents must really hate the name Karen. And two, we can brace ourselves for a flood of births in Ferraris, Porsches and Aston Martins.

co\\'ol

What do the Mitsubishi i MiEV, C1 ev’ie and smart ed have in common? Other than being electric cars, I mean. Yup, it seems you can’t launch an electric car without a scattering of lower-case lettering and pointless apostrophes. Pseudo typographical errors are the new CO’ol.

Heikkilookalikei Legolainen

I watched the final, almost-everlasting episode of Lord of the Rings on telly the other night.

It’s great. I particularly like the bits about the Finnish F1 driver. It’s comforting to know that if McLaren-Mercedes gives him the boot, he can always sail off to the Grey Havens.

The words on the wing mirror read “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR”. I would never, ever buy this car. No way. I’d be so angry every time I caught sight of the idiotically unhelpful message that it would shorten my life.

Why not tell us that the objects are behind us? I often forget that.

A friend of mine went to test-drive the new Abarth 500 and was given a photocopy of the colour chart to take away with him. A black and white photocopy. When my friend expressed surprise, the dealer pointed out that the signature grey colour is very popular.

Careful - you might get your fingers burnt completing this form.

With my European insurance certificate, I received an ‘Accident Statement’ form. You know the sort of thing – an official form where you write down the details of the accident, with helpful little diagrams for you to draw on.

All good so far. But then I read the bit which tells you to fill in the form if your car is stolen, or burnt. And then the very next line, which tells you in big, bold, capital letters to KEEP THIS FORM (AND A BALLPOINT PEN) IN YOUR CAR.

My anger management counsellor wants me to think positive thoughts when on hold to telephone call centres. So I am compiling a list of companies who, even in 2009, treat customers well. It helps me combat the sense of apoplectic fury I feel, whenever I think about NatWest Bank.

Number one in my list of good guys is Dyson, the vacuum cleaner people. When I called the (0800) helpline about my nozzle problems, a well-spoken young man immediately answered and said things like, “Now let me see… I have the exact model in front of me, and I do see what you mean.” Turns out I’d been using the wrong end of the nozzle.

Number two is my local Toyota garage, in Coldhams Lane, Cambridge. When I turned up for my pre-booked service, they offered me a large, fluffy cappuccino, then suggested I pop to the shops and they’d call me on the mobile as soon as the car was ready. Which they did – sooner than expected. Not only was the service completed, but they’d valeted the car inside and out, re-glued a dangling Bluetooth mic (without mentioning it), gave me some good advice about the brakes… and all for £110.89. (It’s an Aygo.) And no, they don’t know I’m a motoring journalist.

If you live near Cambridge, it’s worth buying a Toyota just for the cappuccino. And for the warm thoughts you can generate, while on hold to your bank.

If you are able to read a blog (which clearly you are), you must have a rough grasp of both IT and the English language. Do, please, congratulate yourself – because this is a very rare combination of skills. So rare, in fact, that the Human Resources department at my Internet Service Provider had a tough choice to make. “Do we employ someone who understands the Internet? Or do we employ someone who can make themselves understood by another human being?” Hmm. Tricky.

They went for the first option and hence, today, I received this helpful advice by email. Well, it might be advice. For all I know, it might be a warning. Or a birthday card, or something. It reads as follows…

“The bouncedrop function behaves in a similar fashion to the bounce and fbounce, when the bounedrop action sends an email it will not deliver the original message from the sender as where the bounce and fbounce will still allow the message into the inbox.”

My response was: Great! / Oh no! / Thank you! (delete as appropriate)

Danger signs

I have certain motoring rules, which I advise you all to follow.

1) Never trust any driver wearing a hat; they are about to crash. It doesn’t matter what sort of hat – baseball cap, flat cap, or fluffy blue thing with a brim, the same rule applies. If you see a tell-tale silhouette in the car ahead - back off.

2) Never have anything to do with someone who gives their car a name. They are a potential serial killer.

3) Never get close to someone who has a personalised number plate. They are already a serial killer.

There are never any exceptions to these rules.