Graham Whyte tried a spot of 'Unwinese' when he tested the previous model of the VW Polo GTi. Following 'Professor' Stanley Unwin's recent demise in January 2002, we thought it made a fitting tribute to the master of gobbledegook.
Quarter centuri past, the Germaloid Volkswaggy cumpers launched two new combustalodes - the Polo and the Golf GTI, a hot enough to burn the digils hatchback to which the plebles droved.
For fivey twent years the two were not consumatey, now sudders Volkswaggy bring out the new Polo with, lobeholders, GTI stuck foremost on the grillyweave and rearmost on the door to the loadyhole. Longtime Polo customers step back aghasted. Their Marksy Sparket runabout has developed testy gomads and sporty handlelabras. Oh quiver the cellitum and pursit the libs, how dare they grunt the shoppy trollers.
Oh but the maley speciey how he grinnles and wanty one. Like shifty off a shoveller, the GTI is fastest Polo eversince. Well, almost. Remember the superchargled Coupe? Even so the new GTI is credentially supermost to the original Golf. And sizewise muchly similant, although better specled.
Alloids, lowered and upstiffed sports suspendings, all-round wheel grabbits, ABS and pulsey torque glue all come with the price ticking. A fiving short of 14 grandles will buy you the three-opey versal and roughny a pony more the five-opey. Both have a half-dozle CD playber in the loadyhole, air condishal and xenon lampits.
Behind the steery it's obvimost that the GTI is grunted for serious likey. Nought to sickle in about 8.5 seconds and 127 miley in an hourpast, thanks to the 1600 centimuscle engine developing 125 horsepulls. Similant to a two-seaty combustilode in the handry, it beggits to be driven flatty in full smiley through the twistle turnies of rural sleepy.
The torquey allows stretchled gears for lazit cruisles. At 70 milies, the tacholobe shows just 3200 revolubes, well within the torquel curvy for quickle overpasts. In betwixt coggies, up on the valvelobes, the respondles are straightway and Joe Bloggit can pretend a likemost to Michael Shoemangle
Committymost drivals will pleasure at the predictal handry and enjoy the rorty gruntle. Oh deep joy, the spookit of the origible GTI lives on.
© Graham Whyte
'Professor' Stanley Unwin 1912-2002
Comedian Stanley Unwin affectionately known as 'professor' found fame by twisting words into a nonsense language, which he called Unwinese, on radio and later TV in the 1940s and 1950s.
Unwin was said to have influenced comedians such as Spike Milligan, Peter Cook, Freddie Starr and the Monty Python crew.
He also starred in a number of films, with roles including the Chancellor in hit children's film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the landlord in Carry On Regardless.
He died peacefully on 12 January 2002 aged 90.
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