'Gravie skelets furnerals used'. I recently saw this rather cryptic phrase on eBay and discovered that it was yet another example of the great unwashed being lost for words. Well, the right words, anyway. It turns out that the vendor was selling a rather macabre collection of used postcards, all depicting some aspect of the inhumation trade.
Such gobbledegook is commonly found on eBay, as punters struggle to correctly form words from the 26 letters available - which in my experience are usually sufficient. However, anyone who has driven the new Jaguar XF might wish for more than 26, as the English alphabet scarcely contains enough letters to do it justice.
But even with just 26 letters on tap, I doubt if any of my colleagues will be lost for words, or superlatives, at least. In place of the rather stodgy S-Type comes a car that redefines the Jaguar ethos. Fast, agile and elegant, the new XF is as far removed from the car it replaces as a MacBook is from an Amstrad. The two cars are in a different league.
Whereas the S-Type had acquired a kind of 'auntie' mantle, which it inherited from the late-but-seldom-lamented Rover 75, the new Jaguar is like next-year's calendar - well ahead of the game. Admittedly, I got to drive the range-topping SV8 model, but I have no reason to suppose that its junior siblings will be any less impressive. Indeed, the company execs who even now are lining up for the 2.7 diesel model can look forward to a step change in Jaguar's mid-range muscle.
It is unsurprising that the XF has already picked up a number of prestigious awards, but perhaps the greatest - and clearly most significant - response has come not from the motoring press but from the motoring public. With forward orders already exceeding 3000 cars, and the prospect of new ownership, Jaguar's future is now looking rosier than at any time in the last decade; and it is appropriate that the new car is a celebration of Jaguar tradition encompassed in best-practice design and technology.
The SV8 test car was powered by a supercharged version of the company's AJ-V8 engine. With a displacement of 4.2 litres, an output of 420 bhp, and a peak torque of 560 Newton-metres, the SV8 is good for a 0-62 time of 5.4 seconds, and a regulated top speed of 155 mph. This places the five-seater XF in the same performance envelope as the XKR coupe - only 200 milliseconds separate the 0-62 times.
But the performance is prefaced by what Jaguar describes as a 'surprise and delight' experience. And that, in turn, is prefaced by a head-scratching experience. Sit behind the wheel of the XF for the first time and try as you might you won't find a gear lever. But as long as you have the smart key about your person, or somewhere in the cabin, you will notice an occulting button on the centre tunnel - pulsing red and inviting you to 'Start'. Press it and into the palm of your hand rises a squat turret - like an ice hockey puck but apparently machined-turned out of solid aluminium. (Plastic has come a long way.) That is the gear lever - or more precisely, the JaguarDrive Selector. Simply rotate it to select P R N D or S.
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